Toby Knapp

Toby Knapp

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#CLICKBAIT: The thoughts which comfort when silence screams...

@gettyimages

I was catching up with a friend at lunch on Saturday. As we wrapped our lunch talking about life, relationships, work, and more, she excused herself to run to the restroom. 

I used the moment to see what I'd missed, and so, I checked my messages. 

"Dude. Joe Rainey." 

It was 1:06 PM. The message was from America's Radio Programmer, the Barack Obama of American Radio Programming, Tommy Chuck, who, still, because of our previous administration, has messages which are marked as "PRIORITY" and cut to the top of my emails, messages, etc. 

"What happened?" I replied. 

The phone rang. 

My friend, Kristina, a former colleague, returned from the restroom at the same time. She shot me a quizzical look, silently asking if everything was okay while at the same time asking whom I may be talking with. "It's Tommy" I silently mouthed to her, knowing she knew the players involved. She watched as my countenance must have changed in an instant as I listened to the very somber news delivered by one of the most upbeat souls in life I've ever known... and when he was done, I paused... 

"Oh my God..." 

Joe Rainey was a friend of mine. For over 20 years, he's been a professional colleague who became a great friend. A close friend. We were the same age. We were both fathers. We both loved music. He had helped me make sense of the nonsense of past relationships. He listened when I talked about this ending, or that beginning... he offered advice on this work decision or that life decision. He encouraged. He cautioned. And I did likewise. He was - and we were at times, both of us - wildly inappropriate and yeah, there were times we both embraced the chaos of a business built on the insane but fueled by the art we both loved. 

We both loved - and lived - life. 

In that moment, I learned that one of us... was still living life. 

The other... was gone. 

The rest of the day is an emotional blur. There wasn't much calm in the chaos that followed. Before the news really broke, I had a few moments to find some peace... and to think... and to wrap my head around the fact that he was gone. I thought of his kids whom he loved more than life and whom gave him more fire and focus... to live his best life. We loved talking about our kids... and I can't tell you how many times he talked to me about how he respected me as a dad... how he wanted to be the dad I was... and how he hoped he could do what Kyla's mom and I were capable of doing should the time come when he ever had to co-parent. 

The conversations in my mind... the calls... the talks... the late nights and the early mornings. The talks in a hotel lobby in Miami or in the basement of some South Carolina nightclub. The words of encouragement as I made decisions to take my life back from this struggle or that struggle. The words of love and encouragement as I peered over the edge of life itself and looked down... and came back from it... started to play in an endless loop in my mind... 

Because he... ended. 

This one is going to take me a minute. But the changes this absence have sparked will last a lifetime.

Tonight, before "the show goes on" and I start a new week on an iHeartRadio station near you, I'd like to share a few thoughts with you... they're pretty much free-form and "spew" as the great radio imaging guru Eric Chase would say... but I'm going to write them down and maybe they'll speak to you...

Maybe. 

You are important and you are alive - and here - because life needs you here. 

You matter. 

You have a purpose. 

There is someone who is ready to listen... no matter what you think... if you feel you are in crisis and can't go on... before you execute your plan... make that last call because someone... is always ready to listen and they won't judge you. 

It's beyond time for radio/records/acting/entertainment to have a real talk about mental health, the stress this job on air and off, has on the people creating the content and living the life. 

It's beyond time to end the stigma of mental health... and being honest about mental health struggles... in every industry and in life. 

It's time for people to quit snickering and laughing or bullying with behind-the-back comments about people who are going through something... from depression, to body/health issues, to anything mental... people and their emotional health/mental health issues... are not the fodder for some office gossip or some industry BS. 

You are never alone. 

There is always one more comeback. Always. 

Someone needs you to be here. Even if you think otherwise... someone is counting on you. 

Stop doing the stuff which keeps you from living the life you want to live. 

Be honest about your feelings and don't be afraid to feel 'em. And don't be afraid to verbalize them. 

Tell people how you feel... and let 'em know you love 'em. 

Stay true to your heart. 

Don't feel you need to be alone. 

Believe that you... aren't done. You are always becoming... and believe that there is always a tomorrow. 

Love who you are. You are the only one of you ever to walk the face of this planet. Love that person... because that person is you. 

My friend's name is Joe Rainey. He's a daddy. He's a pro. He's got one of the biggest hearts I've ever encountered. 

I pray he's found peace. 

Rest well, Joe. I'll see you again. Can't wait for it. But before that happens... 

... there is still more to do. 

-t. 



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